Do you dress to avoid pain or to bring pleasure? I really believe that these are the only two motivations behind people's sartorial choices. The people who dress to avoid pain (whether it's physical or social discomfort they're avoiding) are purely reactive. Their clothing decisions are always AGAINST something, never FOR something, and it drives me nuts.
I just want to go up to those poor lost souls, like some dress missionary, and ask "Sister, did *anything* about what you're wearing today make you happy? Or was it all about avoiding the possibility of unhappiness?" If you want to go to Chicago, you don't get there by going away from St. Louis, Cincinnati, Detroit, and Milwaukee ... you get to Chicago by going towards Chicago. If you want to love what you wear, you can't get there by just avoiding things that other people hate, or that you fear they might criticize. Someone's always going to hate what you're wearing (and if it's culottes, or a Juicy Couture tracksuit, that person will be me).
The first time you wear something you really, truly love, something that gives you so much joy you don't even care if blind people cross the street to tell you it's ugly--something really interesting happens. When you wear something that's really yours, that shows who you are, and not just what you're afraid not to be, people react to the truth and the honesty more than they react to the actual clothing. Funnily enough, most people LIKE truth, and they LIKE honesty, and at some gut level they recognize that you're becoming more yourself, and they give you compliments. Often, lots and lots of compliments. Even if it's something they'd never, ever wear themselves -- say, a skirt covered with multicolored polka dots that looks like nothing so much as a slightly repurposed Twister mat and a blaze-orange hoodie -- they still recognize the joy behind it, and they respond to that. And not just people you know. Strangers on the street (yes, even in New York City) will stop and compliment you. (And there's nothing as nice as random validation from strangers!)
Wearing what you love is not all a Mentos commercial, though. Occasionally someone will not only hate what you're wearing, but go out of their way to tell you so to your face (as much as I hate Juicy, it would never occur to me to tell someone SPECIFIC, in PERSON, "I hate your Juicy tracksuit and everything it stands for." That's just plain rude. Hate the sin, love the sinner, invite the sinner dress shopping; I may disagree with what you wear but I defend to the death your right to wear it, etc., etc.) Just by wearing what you love you will have built up such a store of happiness that such comments just drift by you like dandelion fluff. Especially when (as is so often the case) you see that what THEY are wearing was designed by Fear for the Fear Fall 06 Collection, with accessories by Fear. Why should you take someone seriously who doesn't even dress to maximize happiness?
If you're unsure whether you're dressing for joy or out of fear, here's a test. Picture your favorite dress. Picture yourself running into someone wearing the EXACT SAME THING. If you think, upon seeing your doppelgnger, "OMG, I have to go talk to her, I bet we would get along great"? Joy. If you think "Oh, hell no, bitch better WATCH OUT"? Fear. Easy-peasy. (I can get you a wallet card with this on it if you want.)
Click on the image to check out this joy-giving, life-affirming dress (B38/W31, with a SAILOR COLLAR) -- in fact, somebody please buy it before I do! My closet is too full of joy already ...
I think I love the near-matching of the plaid across the button-front as much as the sailor collar itself. It looks like the kind of only slightly triumphant effort that I would make, and then seek compliments on my wonderful plaid matching ability, despite all evidence to the contrary.
Posted by: Helen | 05/26/2006 at 10:02 AM
Don't you think it's funny that Google has placed a juicy couture add on you page?
Posted by: carmen | 05/26/2006 at 10:20 AM
I like your analysis very much. I think you are right on the money with this one.
Posted by: JuliaR | 05/26/2006 at 10:26 AM
Amen, sister! If there was anything to take a firm stance on, it is dressing for joy.That and the fact that the death penalty is unfairly administered.
Posted by: Anonymous | 05/26/2006 at 10:34 AM
oh, I *love* that there's an ad for Juicy! Let them spend more money ... Helen, do you think the plaid is really mismatched or could it be an artifact of the camera angle? I'm hoping for the latter.
Posted by: Erin | 05/26/2006 at 10:36 AM
I was just thinking about this today when I purchased 5 yards of lipstick red fabric for a dress, despite the fact that my husband does not like red. I look great in red and wear it anyway. Funny that you mention the repurposed Twister mat dot fabric - I saw some this morning and was tempted to buy it for a dress, too, but there wasn't enough on the bolt.
Posted by: Summerset | 05/26/2006 at 10:38 AM
Not only is the plaid mismatched across the front, but it's sloping across the skirt. It's still darned cute though. I was about to succumb to its charms, but I know the slope will drive me nuts... That's not fear, it's anal retentiveness >-)Nora
Posted by: Anonymous | 05/26/2006 at 10:40 AM
SBanks, where did you see your Twister-mat fabric? I had to order mine off eBay two years ago, and I've been looking for more ever since ...
Posted by: Erin | 05/26/2006 at 10:42 AM
I think of dress as a performance art, and not everybody wants to be on stage.That's fair. The people in the drab boring clothes may be singers or writers or talkers, and may put their morning and evening energy where it makes them happiest. (They also may be stuck in professions which don't tolerate self-expression.)Today, I am wearing an ankle-length straight shift in rose-violet batik, jade bangles, jade drop earrings, and silver shoes, because I *do* enjoy putting myself on stage.
Posted by: Jonquil | 05/26/2006 at 10:50 AM
It was at Wal-mart, of all places. It was white ground, with kelly green, hot pink, a reddish pink, and yellow dots. The dots were about 1.5" across and each was encircled with a thin band of one of the other colors. There was only 2 yards or so left on the bolt, and it takes at least 4 for a dress with a great full circle skirt.
Posted by: Summerset | 05/26/2006 at 10:51 AM
Oops, forgot, there were orange dots, too!
Posted by: Summerset | 05/26/2006 at 10:51 AM
"Strangers on the street (yes, even in New York City) will stop and compliment you. (And there's nothing as nice as random validation from strangers!)"That happens to me ALL THE TIME in California and at work; it never happened in Charlotte. Sometimes you have to move to Chicago in order for people to appreciate your style.I firmly hold to the "if it makes you happy, it's becoming" rule. A great dress, even if it's not your color or cut, brings joy and therefore beauty.
Posted by: Jonquil | 05/26/2006 at 10:52 AM
Jonquil, that's a good point. I'm not saying drab is necessarily bad -- I know lots of people who are happy to put on a black tee and a pair of black pants with black shoes every single day and never think about it again. And if they were criticized they'd blink twice and say "why do you care?" They're not looking for anyone else's approval. That may not be exuberant joy, but it's not fear, certainly. I suppose it's the equivalent of eating to live, instead of living to eat. (I'm almost a black shirt-pants-shoes person wrt food -- I could happily eat Hopping Jack or a tuna-fish sandwich every day for the rest of my life. Except, in the case of tuna, that life would be sadly shortened by mercury poisoning.)SBanks, thanks! My fabric has FOUR INCH dots. I will keep up the search. :-)
Posted by: Erin | 05/26/2006 at 10:57 AM
I agree with your sentiment. Dress for joy. Not to keen on plaid thought. But that is not the problem. My problem is, at the time I decide to get dressed (5 am) I'm to tired to think about self-expression.But I'm trying to stop buying things that are good to have, I now try to buy only fab things. Even if it means that I'm wearing gold sandals to my banking job
Posted by: Maria | 05/26/2006 at 10:58 AM
I wholeheartedly agree! I dress to make myself happy every day. I create stories and personas with my ensembles. I love discovering new combinations of separates I've had for ages. It makes me giddy to realize, for instance, that I just bought a blouse by chance that matches an underused necklace. Today I'm wearing one of my favorite outfits, a yellow, blue and orange plaid (yes, plaid!) short-sleeve button-up blouse with a yellow pinwheel skirt - but with brand new shoes, point-toed cornflower blue Keds with polka-dot grosgrain trim. And wearing them all together makes me absolutely jubilant.
Posted by: Meredith | 05/26/2006 at 11:09 AM
Last weekend, in a fit of spring cleaning, I finally took several bags of clothes to Goodwill and then immediately regretted giving up the plaid shirt I'd inherited from an old boyfriend. I haven't worn it for years because it's on the baggy side, but it did always make me happy. And seeing this dress today reminded me of my loss. It would be too ridiculous to try to buy back that shirt just to have it sitting in a bag in my closet again, wouldn't it?
Posted by: erma | 05/26/2006 at 11:32 AM
Am I contradictory to your theory that I think I dress for joy AND I would be pissed if someone had on the same dress as me?I know I buy and wear what I like and what I feel like ON THAT DAY (with parameters that the outfit be apppropriate for the day's activities). But part of my joy clearly comes from thinking I am the only one with that item or combo.
Posted by: msbelle | 05/26/2006 at 11:50 AM
" Strangers on the street (yes, even in New York City) will stop and compliment you."That's a tad unfair to The City folks : )Spend a little time in NYC.. they are just as nice as the rest of the people in the world.And amen to joy and my swishy skirts!
Posted by: Becky O. | 05/26/2006 at 12:05 PM
my reaction is usually along the lines of "hah! that dress looks better on me!" is that joy, fear, or egoisM??
Posted by: Anonymous | 05/26/2006 at 12:10 PM
If you think, upon seeing your doppelgnger, "OMG, I have to go talk to her, I bet we would get along great"? Joy.This is how my best friend and I met. Two women in High Victorian Gothic exclaiming "I love your hat! Did you make it?"If something doesn't make me happy, I won't wear it.
Posted by: Jilli | 05/26/2006 at 12:13 PM
I just found your fantastic blog. Please don't mind me if I become a devoted fan and reader overnight! ps- I dress for joy usually, but sometimes sleepiness gets the upper hand.
Posted by: Keri | 05/26/2006 at 12:13 PM
Oooo, I'm with Msbelle! I *squee* with joy when I meet someone who's wearing something I'd like to wear, but wearing exactly what I'm wearing? Not so much so. Especially if it's something I made. And it did happen once - or very nearly. I was in high school, and I was a guest at a wedding, and I proudly wore a dress I'd made myself: It was a hunter green Qiana (remember Qiana?), with a low V-neck and a very fitted X bodice, with wrist-length gathered sleeves, and it ended at mid-calf. I walked into the reception with the young man whose date I was, and we were greeted by the sister of the bride. Sis had made her own dress for the wedding, too: It was a hunter green Qiana with a low V-neck and a very fitted X bodice, with wrist-length gathered sleeves, and it ended at the ankle. The only difference was mine looked great, and hers looked as if it had been made by Loving Hands At Home. I too have experienced the joy of having strangers in New York stop me to tell me that they loved my dress, and I have to say, it is indeed a really great feeling! I bought, on recommendation, Brenda Somebody's book on building wardrobes, and it had exactly one useful piece of information in it, but boy, was it a good maxim: Buy the things you love, or you will be forced to love the things you buy. Sbanks, good for you! It took me years to get there. I love pink. My husband (my ex-husband) liked red, but hated pink. I love red, too, so I just stopped wearing pink. One day I'd had enough; I was making a dress (again, for someone's wedding), and I made it in a lovely delicate pink floral. We were with a group of friends, and he said, "I really hate pink," and I said, "Then don't borrow it." Wear what brings you joy.**Or even what brings you peace, if you regard clothes in a tuna-every-day sort of way; I too am a black shirt-pants-shoes person with food.
Posted by: La BellaDonna | 05/26/2006 at 12:14 PM
Erin - I did have that sinking suspicion that your dots were ginormous, albeit in a happy, similing-inducing, I-wish-I-had-some-of-that-fabric way!La belladonna - Thanks! I've realized in the past few years that I need to buy what I love, as those are things I will wear with a smile, regardless of other's opinion.
Posted by: Summerset | 05/26/2006 at 12:35 PM
What a wonderful attitude you all have - I'm torn because I'd love to wear clothes I love but mostly when I get up I just want to be warm/dry/comfortable (physically) and have not quite yet worked out how to blend the two. For example, all the lovely skirts I keep buying, I never wear because I walk miles every day and the shoes that look good with the skirts just aren't comfortable for walking miles in. Any suggestions greatly appreciated... La belladonna, I LOVE your retort on the pink dress!
Posted by: Kate in England | 05/26/2006 at 12:44 PM
Kate, I'd take a look at some of the new "fashion-y" Keds they've been marketing. Because they're sneakers, they are comfortable, but cute enough to go with many a skirt or dress. And Erin's favorite Jack Purcells often look good with vintage-style ensembles.Also, I've had some nice luck with a paid of Steve Madden cork wedges (only about 1.5") this season. I can walk for quite a long while in them.
Posted by: Meredith | 05/26/2006 at 01:18 PM