NO CULOTTES!

I'm sorry, did I not say that loud enough? I said, NO CULOTTES! I swear, culottes are the work of the Devil. And I don't want to hear any guff about riding bicycles or horses or whatnot -- a real lady can ride a bicycle in an actual skirt, not some bastardized waste of fabric designed to bunch where things shouldn't bunch and split where things shouldn't split.

I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but someday I think we'll find out that the same secret Trilateral Commission/Knights Templar/Elks Club-type group is responsible for culottes, carob, that guy you always think is Bill Paxton but isn't, corn syrup, David Blaine, and the vice-presidency, and that only by refusing to wear culottes will we manage to thwart their evil plan. And you know it's evil if it involves culottes.

In fact, I'm wondering if some misguided misogynist too chicken to show off his spindly shanks in a Utilikilt (guys: if you have the legs for this, it is a "do"--except not the leather one, eeewwww), in some fit of rage, designed the culotte. "If I can't wear a skirt, no one can!" (Cue evil laughter, the kind that ends up in an asthmatic coughing fit, and a "no, no, really, I'm okay, I just need a sip of water.")

You know, the lesson of the culotte is this: be what you are. If you're a skirt, embrace the skirtiness of your essential being. If you're a pair of pants -- deal with it. Don't be straddling that pants/skirt fence. Don't be a sartorial mugwump. Choose a side, dammit! (The culotte does not have a side. It is all middle.)

(I'm very tempted to buy this pattern from eBay, just to make sure no one makes it. Like those police programs where they trade baseball tickets for guns. And, did you notice how none of the women in the illustrations have a direct gaze? Do you know why? Shame over being forced to wear culottes, that's why. Shame.)

So, one more time for the cheap seats: NO CULOTTES!

Comments

[Anonymous]

Finally I've found someone who shares my viewpoint on culottes! Just perfect, Erin!

[Sue]

Amen Sister!!!I also feel the same way about Capris (esp. the tapered ones), and cropped dress pants. If you're going to wear pants, wear pants!

[JuliaR]

I am gasping. I love this:"The Utilikilt offers the Utility Patented Pleat System which separates our product from any other MUGs (Mens Unbifurcated Garment) on the market today."Unbifurcated garment... it's genius.

[La BellaDonna]

I'm with you*. If a garment wants to be a voluminous pant, then be a voluminous pant, and be proud! Be proud and be FULL-LENGTH, as a pant should be! Cropped pants are the work of the devil, making you look as if you grew several inches overnight. The only exception I make is for the capri (not one of those weird baggy ones, either) as workwear for biologists at the beach who aren't comfortable in shorts.*I do disagree about the leather kilt, though. I have a friend who wears his to the office on casual days. Hot damn! Of course, this is from a woman who has several long, wide, 50's style skirts in leather herself. The Conservative Ladylike Leather Skirt! It confuses people no end.

[vintagecrochetgirl]

Oh dear. I love culottes. Now I suppose Erin won't shop with me anymore. **Gulp** Vintagecrochetgirl heads off to her closet to shed some tears. "I'll find other friends, I will!" she says fiercely, to no one in particular...

[Anonymous]

The pattern is a size 20, I wear a 20 and I will tell you it's not just NO CULOTTES!- it's definetly not on a size 20. Yukk!

[Anonymous]

but if you're gonna ride a vespa and look like you're wearing a skirt, culottes (or the "skort", or the "split skirt" are the way to go. otherwise that skirt is going to end up at your waist if it's voluminous, and a pencil skirt isn't wide enough to straddle the damn thing. i prefer the split skirt, the kind with the pleats just in the center front and back. i have a few vintage pairs that are very nice.

[Anonymous]

No skorts, for me, thanks. Skorts are just as evil. It's like a kick in the gut reaching for a cute skirt with a constructed waistband and side-button closure only to find that they are actually a Mr-Hyde pair of frumptastic shorts. This split skirt/culotte distinction--I think I follow... that would explain why my elderly ma looks so cute in her abbreviated, bifurcated, A-line garments. They are not culottes, they are vintage split skirts.

[Anonymous]

I heartily concur!!

[Jilli]

One of my very best friends is insanely devoted to gauchos, which are near enough to culottes to make no real difference. I just shake my head at her sadly, because I Just. Don't. Get. It.

[Anonymous]

Split skirts, skorts, gauchos, and culottes: is there a distinction? I know, I know, I'll get out my dictionary.

[Anonymous]

Gauchos are the work of evil too and who ever brought them back should hang their head in shame.

[AFGirl]

I had a pair of culottes in 7th grade that were blue and red, the red being the insert for the pants part. I loved it, but the red between the legs at that age when girls were blossoming into women -- nothing but a target for stupid 7th grade boys. I think I wore them twice and then put them away. Never wore culottes again... probably a good thing.

[Sara]

Amen, sister! I feel the same way about gaucho pants -- they always LOOK like skirts on the rack, but then you see it...the telltale crotch seam. Horror!

[meara]

Oh come, now, Drew looks hot in his leather utilikilt!!

[Erin]

Drew is a special case. :-)And VintageCrochetGirl, we can shop for anything but culottes. Okay? Afgirl, I think whoever designed your culottes was a sadist. C'mon! Red in the MIDDLE?

[zimmersarmy]

Oh my. This is my pattern for sale. I agree culottes were not a real high point in fashion, but then again,"One woman's trash is another one's treasure." Plus I am such a sucker for POTENTIAL. It is rare for me to ever out and out call a pattern ugly. I believe there is an inner beauty in nearly every one. The trick is to discover it. That may be why I am sort of a humane society for unwanted patterns. Just trying to find good homes for my babies.

[Ms. Kat]

I love skorts. There. I've said it. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm far from pencil thin, and my thighs, when left to their own devices, are all about chub-rub on days when I am bare legged in a skirt.I wear shorts under my skirts all summer long, and I wear skirts almost every day.A skort that looks like a skirt from front and back becomes my favorite.And gauchos? In a soft stretch cotton, is the perfect pant for yoga. Because again, I'm not so big on the ugly too tight yoga tights that make me take on a decided sausage shape. So gauchos and capris get worn by me each day I'm in Downward Dog.

[Tori Lennox]

Aww, c'mon! Tell us how you REALLY! (I have to agree. I never understood the whole concept of culottes. Hate them!!!)

[Tori Lennox]

Er, that should have been "really feel". I hate when I leave words out. *sigh*

[Sue]

And gauchos? In a soft stretch cotton, is the perfect pant for yoga. Because again, I'm not so big on the ugly too tight yoga tights that make me take on a decided sausage shape. So gauchos and capris get worn by me each day I'm in Downward Dog.But doesn't it drive you crazy when they all bunch up when you're doing an inversion of something? I've decided I just don't care what I look like in yoga class, I don't want to have to keep fixing my clothes during the movements. Of course, I'm having a problem finding shorts that are just right for summer classes.

[Gigi]

Ms. Kat - you must discover Spanx Power Panties! Lovely for a girl with *thighs* to wear under skirts in the summertime. As for yoga gauchos, I think all that fabric would drive me crazy. Not to mention how much I would expose myself during a shoulder stand! While I wouldn't be caught dead wearing cropped pants as Real Clothing, they work very well for yoga. I'm not going to weigh in on the culottes because if Erin knew I kind of liked gauchos she wouldn't let me read her blog anymore. ;-)

[erma]

Erin, are you familiar with this band? Neither am I, but they turned up in a Google search (I was hoping to post a witty comment about the French Revolution, but had to do some research first), and I figured you'd like them, at the very least for their name.

[msbelle]

My question about this pattern is how are they getting them to stand out like a full skirt with a crinolin? Sure, the circle skirt patterns all show a shape that will only be acheived with wearing underskirts, but with these. How?

[Anonymous]

[unpaid product endorsement follows] Monistat makes an antichafing jelly that works well. (For external use only. No putting it on toast or anything.) It's been a full season since anything has come between me and my skirts. Well, bike shorts, anyway. No chub rub! I swear!