Today's Pattern Story, In Six Words

Flashing gang signs really wasn't helping.

In homage to Paul Ford.

(Thanks to Lauren for the image!)

Today's Pattern Story

Darla: "Oh. You're right. I do look like a walking café curtain."

Carla: "I hated to be the one to tell you, but someone had to do it."

Darla: "And you know ..."

Carla: "That I look like I'm about to call "offsides!" at the World Tea-Drinking Championship? Yep."

Darla: "Our home-ec teacher has a lot to answer for."

Carla: "Don't worry, I already spiked the faculty coffeepot with something that causes unpleasant gastrointestinal effects, yet is non-life-threatening."

Darla: "You rock. Also, cute shoes!"

(Thanks to Janet at Lanetz Living for today's pattern!)

Today's Pattern Story

Cindy: You're sure it was here?
Mindy: What?
Cindy: That we were to wait.
Mindy: He said by the invisible chair. (pause) Do you see any others?
Cindy: No, but I wouldn't. If they were invisible.

Cindy: He should be here.
Mindy: He didn't say for sure he'd come.
Cindy: And if he doesn't come?
Mindy: We'll come back tomorrow.
Cindy: And then the day after tomorrow.

Mindy: Day after tomorrow I have a hairdresser's appointment.
Cindy: Then Thursday, then. Thursday good for you?
Mindy: That's fine. Thursday.


Today's pattern is available from Jen at MOMSPatterns -- it's so cute, isn't it?

(With apologies to Samuel Beckett.)

Today's Pattern Story (and Sale)

Can you hear this pattern's voiceover? I can. Listen:

*I* am an individual. In fact, I am unremittingly individualist. I practise (see, look, I use a British spelling, despite being from Iowa) individualism. You might say I have individualismo. Or -ma. Individualisma. That ineffable aura of being ME and ONLY Me. Nobody else can be me, because I am an individual as you can get. Even when I was conceived, I was an individual—nobody even considered that I might be part of a conjoined twin. Look, I must hold my head from the unbearable mental strain of my individualism! (Also, this is my good side.) I should bottle this individualness and sell it. I would call it Indi.Vidual. Because random punctuation is so individualistic! Also, it would smell purple.

Pay no attention to the wannabe over there in pink. If she were a true individualist she would wear black, like me. Also, she only has one piece of asymmetrical clothing! Total amateur.

That said, I totally would have worn this in 1986. If you would wear it in 2010 (because there's no way you're sewing this before the end of the year, let's not kid ourselves here) click on the image and buy it (warning: it's classic Miyake so it is VERY EXPENSIVE) from Wendy at Pattern Stash, because she is having a sale! 15% for Dress a Day readers. Go nuts!

Today's Pattern Story

Blue: C'mon, first hit's free.
Red: That's what you said last time.

The rest of the story writes itself, although you're welcome to write more of it in the comments. Bonus points for using: "mother's little helper," "get clean," and "riding the dragon."

Other scenarios: ticket scalping; invitation to secret society; numbers-running. What do you think is the most plausible?

Pattern courtesy VintagePatternDStash (get it? de-stash?) on Etsy. Carolyn's de-stash is your re-stash, or something like that.

Today's Pattern Story (and Sale)

"Random Bride," America's favorite faux-relationship reality show, shook the dice once again in its stunning season finale, marrying ALL the contestants to men plucked from a random casting call held earlier this year in the Silver Lake Starbucks.

Contestants had earlier been told that they would be competing for a dream wedding package, including a "mystery groom."

"This way we're ALL winners," declared Claire Deloon, the fan favorite and season-long front runner. "Except for the girls not getting endorsement deals, of course."

"All the brides were so radiant, so toned, so downright obsessive about the details, that we thought it would be a shame not to marry them all off," said Executive Producer Larry Lumpen.

After the multiple-couple ceremony, the newly-married couples celebrated in a reception on the soundstage. Their honeymoons are also being taken jointly, and will be filmed for a future "Random Bride: After the Cake" special. (Airdate TBD.)

Next season, the producers are planning to launch "Random Bride: Ball and Chain," where three lucky women will have the weddings of their dreams ... to men serving life sentences in maximum-security prisons.

[Writing this I can't believe how downright plausible it all sounds ... sanctity of marriage my foot. And yes, I'm looking at you, Maine!]

(Today's pattern is from Wendy at PatternStash -- you can get 15% off just by mentioning "dressaday" in the message to the seller. You can use this code for her patterns at ecrater, too.)

Today's Pattern Story (and Sale)

LOUISVILLE, KY— The nation's first academy for doughnut-shop hostesses has held its inaugural graduation ceremony last Saturday. The class, of ten aspiring fried-dough doyennes, graduated in an hour-long ceremony which featured a ten-minute silent intermission at the halfway point, "In homage to the hole," Academy Director Gilda Grant pointed out.

"Doughnuts are important in our culture," Grant said in her commencement address. "They are eaten by bums and presidents, by children and the elderly, by the police and by criminals alike. Serving doughnuts is a sacred responsibility."

Members of the first graduating class were equally solemn. "I am looking forward to the day when everyone knows the difference between a cruller and a buttermilk cake," said Sandy Muller, of Fells Point, Wisconsin.

Employment prospects seem bright for these students; many have already received offers from doughnut shops in their hometowns. But with their new credentials, they can afford to be picky. "I got an offer from a place in High Point," said one student, who didn't want to be named. "But they spelled it D-O-N-U-T, so I turned them down."

Grant expects that enrollment in the academy will continue to increase. "In hard times and in good, people want doughnuts. And doughnuts are tastier when served by a trained professional."

[Today's pattern is from Sheila at Out of the Ashes, who is offering 15% off through Wednesday night -- use the code BIGTHANKS. Thanks, Sheila!]

Today's Pattern Story (and Sale)

Blue Dress: Why is she wearing a hat? I thought we all decided on no hats.

Floral Dress: I'm glad I decided to wear a hat. I was having a terrible hair day.

Blue Dress: And the bag, too! We said no bags!

Floral Dress: I look especially chic when I hold my arms like this, but man, it hurts. Good thing I remembered the bag, even though it's heavy. A bag really gives you the excuse you need to hold your arms all funny.

Blue Dress: I hope she knows I'm going to report her to the Sartorial Committee.

Floral Dress: I look so good, I'm a shoo-in for the Sartorial Committee!

Blue Dress: Well, maybe with all her code violations no one will notice I'm not wearing my gloves. My bracelets are completely chic. I'm sure to be elected to the Sartorial Committee.

Floral Dress: It's too bad that she's not wearing her gloves. That'll black-ball her from the Sartorial Committee for sure.

[Today's pattern courtesy Jen of MOMSPatterns -- who is having a sale through Halloween; use coupon code 'dressup' on any order and save 15%!]

This Week's Pattern Story (and sale ... with extra bonus giveaway)

Green Dress: Only thirty more seconds, Gladys, and you'll win!

Floral Dress: Are you sure? Am I the last one standing?

Green Dress: Nobody else has a Frisbee on her head.

Floral Dress: Wait. Something's fishy. Are you sure this was a contest? Was there *ever* anyone else with a Frisbee on her head?

Green Dress: Oh, Gladys. Why would I lie to you about something as important as The First Annual Garden Club Frisbee-Hat-Balancing Contest? Ooh! I'll be right back, I think I see Amy ...

Floral Dress: Doris, I'm going to wait twenty more seconds, just in case you weren't pulling my leg. And then you're going to see *stars*.


[Today's pattern is brought to you by Sandy at Sandritocat, who is running a sale -- 15% off (plus you can combine with her free shipping offers for multiple purchases). Use code "Fall".]

The ridiculously talented Kellie R (you all probably know her from Pattern Review) is having a pattern giveaway on her blog -- check it out! Sew *anything* in October and leave a comment on her blog with a link, and you'll be entered in the drawing!

Today's Pattern Story (and Sale)

The Winner and First-Runner-Up of the World Supercilious Gaze contest pose for newspaper reporters and photographers in Weehawken, New Jersey. The final judging of the contest was delayed twice because the contestants made several judges burst into tears and run from the dais.

The top prize in the contest is a year's supply of eyebrow pencil, donated by Revlon; the runner-up receives a stammered apology and a limp handshake.

The winner, Louisa Mcintosh, refused comment, favoring reporters with a version of her prize-winning stare. The runner-up, Candace Watson, added an eye-roll, which would have disqualified her in competition.

Next week Weehawken will host the World Simpering Contest, which will be held Saturday morning from 9 to 11 a.m. in the Elks Hall. The current winner, Maisie Degabretti of Weehawken, will defend her title against competitors from as far away as Old Lyme, Connecticut.

[Today's pattern from Sheila at Out of the Ashes -- she's running a sale through the 27th, use the checkout code CLEANING!]

This Week's Pattern Story

[DATELINE: MINNEAPOLIS] In response to the surprising rise in juvenile delinquency among young girls, first offenders in one small, unnamed suburb of Minneapolis are being held for 4 hours every day, after school, in the empty monkey house of the local zoo.

The girls are given appropriate items to help them practice for their future lives as productive consumers and home-makers, including cleaning supplies and snack foods. They were also given new dresses and encouraged to participate in traditionally feminine grooming activities, such as braiding each other's hair.

When asked about the new program, one young offender, a Miss K—, on probation for destruction of public property, said "The cokes are nice. I guess. But they won't let us have a gramophone."

[Click on the image to visit the eBay auction for this pattern, from seller 3senuff.]

Also, starting today (Friday) Sheila of Out of the Ashes is having a 15% off sale through Monday (Labor Day for us here in the States). Keyword for discount is LABORDAY.

This Week's Pattern Story (and sale)

Green Dress: I'm just going to pretend to whisper something in your ear to make Sally jealous.

Stripey Dress: You know that stuff only works in movies, right?

Green Dress: No, really. It works. Even I want to know what I'm saying to you right now.

Stripey Dress: You do know what you're saying to me right now. You're saying it.

Green Dress: Well, as long as I'm here, we might as well catch up! What's new with you?

Stripey Dress: I've started to indulge unreasonable people in their follies.

Green Dress: Really, who?

Stripey Dress: You can tell when you see the look of resigned (yet good-natured) indulgence on my face.

Green Dress: Oh, okay. I'll keep an eye out.

Stripey Dress: Sigh.

[Pattern from Penny at Antique Dollhouse of Patterns, who is having a sale
-- 10% off. (She'll refund through Paypal.)]

[Jen at MOMsPatterns is also having a sale, through Friday -- save 20% until Midnight EST Friday, August 28, 2009, just use coupon code 'backtoschool'.]

Today's Pattern Story (and sale)

Agent 1: Isn't it fine weather for flying a kite?
Agent 2: [silence]
Agent 1: I *said*, Isn't it fine weather for flying a kite?
Agent 2: Oh, sorry, I didn't hear you, I was too busy BEING AWESOME.
Agent 1: [silence]
Agent 2: Isn't it fine weather for BEING AWESOME? Especially in a hat. You would be more awesome in a hat.
Agent 1: [in a quiet voice] I need the counter-sign. Doofus.
Agent 2: [sing-songing] Yes, today is perfect for kite-flying. [pause]
Especially when you are awesome. In an awesome hat.
Agent 1: The pickup is at 0800 in the main train station.
Agent 2: "Main train" rhymes!
Agent 1: I'm getting too old for this.

[Pattern's gone now from Out of the Ashes, but to console you, Sheila is having a sale! 15% off, starting Friday morning and ending Sunday evening. Enter DRESSY at checkout.]

[Also, I *covet* this pattern. Anyone else have copies? Leave a comment if so, either here or on the wiki!]

This Week's Pattern Story (and sale)

Historians have long dismissed speculation that a secret international cabal of powerful women had plans to intentionally prolong WWII in order to increase male casualties, freeing up postwar positions of power and importance for women in government, industry, and the universities.

But recently discovered documents, including this sample pattern (never distributed) intended for the uniforms of the new world order, lend credence to these claims.

Professor Emerita Annabelle Rhys-Middleton, an expert in women's underground organizations of the 20th century, called the new find "Immaterial." She added "If such an organization existed -- and I'm not saying it did, mind you -- it just might have decided that beating Hitler was more important, in the long run, than dragging things out just to have a few more jobs."

"I mean, if you really want a society where women have more and more important jobs, all you have to do is promote a culture of binge drinking and dangerous sports among adolescent males, retarding their academic progress so that more women graduate with higher honors from the top universities. Then you just have to be patient. Wait, did I say that out loud?"

[Pattern is from Jen at MOMSPatterns, who is running a 15% off sale until the end of the month, with the coupon code 'lovepatterns' ... and she will still ship for free in US & Canada with the purchase of 5 or more and offer discounts internationally.]

A Proto-Duro, An Evil Queen, and Two Sales

Doesn't this look like another proto-Duro? I think the only reason I didn't make this back in 1980-whatever is that I probably didn't think that I had the chops. But the gray version, with the pink waist bow? Probably would have been MINE all MINE with a few extra hundred hours of practice. Of course, since I was fourteen, I had pretty much zero patience for practice, so thankfully or regretfully this means there are no pictures of me in anything like this.

But if you have a class reunion coming up and need this pattern, Wendy at PatternStash is running a sale today, tomorrow, and Sunday (July 17-18-19). For a 15% discount, put "Hot Summer Nights" in the note to seller, and your discount will be refunded through PayPal.

Do you know who else is having a sale now through Sunday? Sheila at Out of the Ashes! Just use the discount code DRESSY at checkout for 15% off. You might use your discount on this pattern:




This is TOTALLY the evil stepmother-queen from Snow White getting ready to go to bridge club, am I right? The black gloves are a dead giveaway -- red ones are too obvious, but the white ones show the blood of your enemies (or the small animals you sacrifice for haruspexy) something terrible. So black gloves it has to be.

A Very Brief Pattern Story (and a sale)

CAPTION:

"Too late, Ralph realized that he had absent-mindedly asked ALL the members of the typing pool to meet him for a drink after work."

[Pattern from Lisa at the Vintage Fashion Library, which is having an "overthehill" sale -- it seems it's Lisa's birthday (Happy Birthday!) this weekend, AND her oldest is leaving the nest Monday, AND another child starts college next month AND her youngest starts high school! Poor Lisa! (But think of all the extra space for patterns, Lisa!) So use the code "overthehill" to get 25% off at Vintage Fashion Library. If you want to use it at Miss Helene's (Lisa's other pattern site), put the code in the Paypal comment section, and Lisa will send you a refund. If you let her know in advance, Lisa can combine purchases from both sites, and accept credit cards at Miss Helene's. Whew!]

This Week's Pattern Story (and sale)

PICTURE CAPTION, JUVENILE DETENTION QUARTERLY:
Teenagers at the Arkham Home For Wayward Girls live surprisingly normal lives, given the magnitude of the crimes they have committed. There are supervised outings for mini-golf (on a closed course); they have ice cream sundaes on Thursdays. They talk on the phone to young men from the Arkham Boy's Home (although no visits; most of the boys are serving adult sentences).

Their smocks, though not fashionable, are not institutional; the girls are allowed to pick their own fabrics and sew the smocks themselves, in Home Ec. "Trustys" (those without violent or suicidal impulses) are even allowed belts! And thanks to the generosity of the Tangee corporation, all the girls have ample supplies of lipstick and face powder.

[Pattern from What-I-Found Sewing Patterns.]

Oh, and here's the sale: at the EmmaLizz etsy shop, this Monday through Sunday (July 6th-12th) get 15% off your entire purchase plus free shipping. Just include the code "ADressADay" in the comments of your PayPal payment and Emily will refund the 15% and shipping back to you (since she can't do coupon codes at checkout). (What's EmmaLizz? Dress- and sewing-themed stationery!)

This Week's Pattern Story (and sale)

BLIND ITEM:

What notoriously snooty beauty and her identically-snooty twin, usually the bestest of friends, were seen giving each other the VERY cold shoulder this last week? Could it have anything to do with a certain Hollywood playboy who, when put to the (romantic) test, couldn't tell them apart? We heard that the playboy, when confronted, suggested that if you can't beat 'em, maybe you should join 'em ... and our sources say one sister said YES and the other said NO!

[Pattern is from Sandritocat, who is having a one-day sale day sale tomorrow (Tuesday, June 30th). She's offering 20% off and she'll combine with her free shipping offers. Use the code "DressaDay20%off" -- and you can either pay through PayPal and get a refund, or you can wait for a revised invoice. And even though the sale officially starts tomorrow, Sandra said you can go ahead and start shopping today, if you like.]

Bonus Pattern Story and Sale

The story of the Fourth Street Kitchen Gang is one of the most lurid in our city's history. With their razor-sharp spoons and bloody aprons, this gang of female -- and disturbingly feminine -- delinquents terrorized entire neighborhoods throughout the 1940s. Whether they were chasing down defenseless citizens and forcing them to eat pickled okra, or pelting passersby with biscuits solid as hardtack, no one felt safe. Their cackling laughter and cries of "feed 'em, Sally!" were the signal for those who knew what was good for them to retreat inside their own houses, after leaving tributes of flour, eggs, milk, sugar, and chocolate chips on their doorsteps. Those who did not provide tribute might find their houses or automobiles "breaded," "riced," dusted with "powdered sugar," or worse. Junior members of the gang infiltrated elementary schools to steal potatoes to arm their spud guns, while older members extorted "protection money" from local gardeners, grocers, and bakeries.

It was only after the end of the war and rationing that the power of the Fourth Street Kitchen gang was broken. With plenty of ammo to go around, the Maple Avenue Greengrocers crew started a devastating gang war for control of the city which finally drew police attention (before, the attitude of the authorities was that the gang activities were merely "girlish high spirits"), and which resulted in both organizations disbanding to attend home ec courses at the local vocational college in the hopes of "going straight," with some success. It is rumored that Penny "Paring Knife" Morton, the Fourth Street Gang's leader, after graduating with honors, went on to invent cookie dough in a tube.

(Pattern from Wendy at Pattern Stash, who is having a Summer's Here! sale this weekend Friday (today), Saturday, and Sunday. For 15% off, just put "dressaday" in the note to seller, and the discount will be refunded through PayPal.)

This Week's Pattern Story

Oh god. When is she going to stop talking? Do you think she'd stop if I fell down dead? What if I bit her? Just bit her, right on her hand. Do you think she'd stop then? Or would she just say, "Oh, that reminds me of the time Bob bit me, did I ever tell you that story?"

I wonder if she'd notice if I said something absurd. Like, if I said "Grommet the mushrooms, Pancake," in the same tone you'd say "Oh, absolutely, Delia."

I bet I could walk over and pull the fire alarm, and she'd still be talking. Blab, blab, blab, while slung over the fireman's shoulder.

I can't stand it. I'm going to pull that dumb flower off her belt, throw it at her and run. On the count of three. One. Two ...

This Week's Pattern Story

Blue: My doctor gave me this brochure, girls, and guess what?

Plaid: What? What? You're killing me here.

Blue: It tells you HOW PEOPLE GET BABIES!

Red: No! Really? Really and truly?

Blue: You are SO not going to believe this.

Plaid: Look at me, I'd believe anything at this point. I'm beginning to give some credence to that "swallowed a watermelon seed" theory.

Blue: (whispers)

Red: You mean, that's it? No storks? No cabbages? I feel ... disillusioned.

Plaid: Huh. Well, I'll be damned.

Blue: That's what the preacher said. But wait until I show him THIS! It's all just science!

Red: I wonder if Jimmy knows? Won't he be surprised when I tell him!

This Week's Pattern Story

GIRLS!

Have you ever wanted a REAL LIVE DOLL?

One that really talks, and walks, and eats, and puts on HER OWN CLOTHES?

One that can stay in your room when you are at school and bite your little brother when he comes in to rummage through your stuff?

One that will take off her peplum belt and hold it menacingly when out with you on the street?

One that is guaranteed to make your friends envious and really creeped out?

If so, get a parent's permission and CALL NOW! (Small DNA sample required. Not available in Massachusetts.)




(Thanks to Rachel for this one!)

This Week's Pattern Story (and interview)

Daughter: Ooh, look, Mummy, over there. Isn't he dreamy?

Mother: Haven't I told you not to use that terrible slang? But, hmm. "Dreamy" may be apt, in this case.

Daughter: Can you get the majordomo to introduce us?

Mother: Certainly not. Only pitiful and desperate women need the services of the majordomo, dear. Besides, you have to tip him so much. If I can't get that man to come over here and introduce himself before the band finishes this song through pure application of my feminine wiles, I'll eat my hat.

Daughter: But, Mummy, you're not wearing a hat.

Mother: I'll eat YOUR hat. It doesn't go with your dress, anyway.

(Today's pattern is from Rita. You can find it here.)

Oh, and the lovely Sarah at Pink of Perfection put up a nice interview with me the other day -- it's here if you want to read it!

This Week's Pattern Story (and sale)

Jimmy: Why am I in this dress, again?

Janie: Because it's a movie, doofus. This kind of stuff happens in movies. You want to get into someplace that's all-girls, and I just *happen* to have a dress (and shoes!) that fit you perfectly, despite us being completely different sizes.

Jimmy: Why did I want to come with you?

Janie: Do I have to do everything in this plot? Am in voiceover right now? Do I have a name badge that says "Ask me to provide exposition?"

Jimmy: No, really, I don't know.

Janie: (heavy sigh) See that girl behind me? You loooooove her. Despite the fact that she can't accessorize.

Jimmy: Oh, okay. Thanks.

(pause)

Jimmy: All right, what do we do now?

Janie: Count to three, then duck before the explosion. When the rubble clears, go help her up. Then kiss.

Jimmy: I just want to be sure I have this straight. Kiss HER, right?

Janie: Next time I want to be in a werewolf movie.


[This pattern -- and a lot of other lovely ones! -- is on sale today and tomorrow at Sandritocat's Etsy shop! 20%, plus she offers free shipping with three or more patterns. Mention "20% off sale" in the notes section and then either wait for a revised invoice, or Sandra will refund the difference through Paypal. Enjoy!]

This Week's Pattern Story

(This week's pattern story is brought to us courtesy of Rita at Cemetarian. Everything is 20% off with the coupon code FIESTY, for the next five days!)

Beige Dress: I get SO BORED waiting for the rest of the wall to come into being.

Blue Dress: Tell me about it. How am I supposed to decide on window treatments if there aren't any windows?

Beige Dress: When they said that life would be different at Flatland Estates, I didn't think it would be THIS different. Or this boring. Plus, I think I don't love my husband, Flash, any more.

Blue Dress: Well, that was the shortest distance between two points.

This Week's Pattern Story (and sale)

VOICEOVER:

Here we see some rare examples of the species Homo Patternenvelopus.

Notice the older specimens are shy, and avoid direct eye contact (a sign of challenge). The young, however, are bolder, unless they venture too far from the mother. They also have not yet developed the distinctive hand coverings of the adults.

Homo Patternenvelopus breeds fissiparously, and the sprats grow to full size slowly. It is not known what triggers their reproduction, or how long it takes. Although, from the number of adult specimens we see with missing limbs, but without nearby sprats, it seems many of the sprats fail to thrive.

While Homo Patternenvelopus tends to congregate in twos and threes, they are not especially social animals, and often seem to treat each other with disdain, as you see here.

Remember that these creatures can be quite dangerous. Keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times. If provoked, their lightning reflexes and razor-sharp teeth can cause serious damage, or even death.

(From Wendy at Pattern Stash, who will be offering a 15% discount to Dress A Day readers beginning today, and continuing through Saturday and Sunday!)

This Week's Pattern Story

WANTED: for racketeering, aggravated assault, shoplifting, and littering (gum):

FEMALE, blond, 5'3", approximately fifteen years old. Last seen in gray long-sleeved dress with black handbag.

FEMALE, brunette, 5'4", approximately fourteen years old. Last seen in maroon and pink short-sleeved dress. No bag.

SUSPECTS SHOULD BE CONSIDERED EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.

Suspects are wanted for questioning in connection with a robbery and assault in Weinberg's Drug Store on Tuesday, April 14. Taken were multiple lipsticks and powder compacts, several hairbands, and an unknown quantity of chewing gum. Suspects tripped the store proprietor when he gave chase and doused him with a combination of flour and orange soda. Suspects may have one or more unknown accomplices, given the amount of gum missing.

$5 Reward for information leading to the arrest and grounding of suspects.


(Thanks to Janet at Lanetz Living for the image!)

This Week's Pattern Story

Red Hat: Do you have the money?

Swim Cap: Of course -- right here in my absurdly large, yet surprisingly stylish Bonnie-Cashin-looking beach bag. Did you come alone?

Red Hat: Yes. Well, except for my sister Peggy. She always insists on tagging along! So infuriating. I made her stay twenty paces behind me, though, so no one thinks we're together.

Swim Cap: So how do we do this?

Red Hat: Keep pretending I'm not standing way too close to you. Then drop the bag. I'll pick it up -- you keep going.

Swim Cap: And the illegal sunscreen will be in my cabana?

Red Hat: Within the hour.

Swim Cap: It's a pleasure doing business with you. Say 'Hi!' to Peggy for me!

[Pattern is at Lanetz Living, click on the image to check it out!]

This Week's Pattern Story

From Cemetarian:




DATELINE: BEDDING, PA: Polly Featherstone, the Winner of Bedding, Pennsylvania's annual "Miss Pillowcase Contest," in (as the rules require) her dress made from a pillowcase, is about to pin on her victory corsage, as her court (First Runner-Up Miss Pillow Sham, and the winner of Miss Soporificality) look on.

The new Miss Pillowcase will sleep in the window of downtown Bedding's Sleepytime Arcade on a mattress made of mattress catalogs for one week. Her other duties include changing the sheets on the town's historic "Washington Slept Here" bed, and leading the town's annual Pillow Fight on July 4.

The title comes with a new mattress, a year's supply of clothespins (because everyone knows line-dried sheets are nicer to sleep on), and a scholarship to the local vocational school for a certificate in interior design.

"We're all so happy Polly won Miss Pillowcase," said a local official. "She's notorious for sleepwalking, so we feel it's especially appropriate."

Okay, just ONE more ...

Just one more, from Sandritocat:



THE BEACH: A PLAY IN ONE ACT

Angela: Where is Helen? I keep thinking about Helen.

Francine: It always unnerves people at the beach if you turn around and stare inland, instead of out at the water. Try it sometime.

Margaret: I shall bestride the narrow earth like a Colossus! Oh, wait. I AM a Colossus. I shall bestride the narrow earth like me!

Doris: The stars! The stars in my pocket like grains of sand! Sand in my pocket like stars! Who eats paper? I ate some paper. My sunglasses are torpid. Also, pickles! Shiny, shiny pickles!

Helen (from offstage): No one even noticed that I left.

"What's the Story?" week, part 5

Today's story-pattern is brought to us by Patterns from the Past:



Plot synopsis: The fabulously wealthy Candace Verweehauken-Jones is not only the leader of New York's social scene; she's also #1 on the FBI's most-wanted list (for racketeering, mostly, and as a suspect in the death of husband #3, Cornelius Jones). To keep from being apprehended and arrested at the various charity galas she chairs, she is attended at all times by two top-of-the-line social-secretary/security bots (manufactured by Verweehauken Industries, small appliances division).

Orange dress apprises Mrs. CVJ of the names, net worths, and current social entanglements and aspirations of all approachers, via a wireless heads-up display accessed directly through Mrs. CVJ's retinas. Floral dress is tasked with threat assessment, CCTV monitoring (again, wirelessly), and champagne/canape procurement.

However, tonight—tonight all Mrs. CVJ's carefully-laid plans will go awry, as she will be captured, in more than one way, by a last-minute fill-in date for one of the Junior Social Chairs—one Special Agent Robert Kerrigidan. Fireworks and firepower both come into play, as their epic gun battle ends in an equally epic kiss in the ruins of the ballroom. Don't miss it!

"What's the Story?" week, part 4

Check out this pattern from What-I-Found Sewing Patterns:




Yellow Dress: These sleeves are the height of chic.

Gray Dress: I don't know who she thinks she's fooling with those sleeves.

Yellow and Gray are sisters (Yellow is the eldest, Gray is the cynical baby of the family). Yellow is looking to make a lucrative marriage to a wealthy industrialist in order to save the family's pencil-eraser business, which employs several hundred people in their town of Rasa, in upstate New York. Gray, on the other hand, has taken over the factory since the death of their father. Her plan for success is to branch out from plain pink erasers and start manufacturing novelty pencil toppers, too.

After several madcap misadventures (one involving an escaped goat who eats an entire day's output of novelty pencil toppers) Gray manages to land the wealthy industrialist -- not as a husband, but as an investor! Yellow marries the local postman, whom she has always secretly loved. They have triplets. Gray is a huge success and becomes the first female pencil-eraser executive to make the cover of Forbes (and, for those of you who need all the stories to end with romance, she marries the factory foreman).

"What's the Story" week, part 3

Today's story is from PatternStash:




BRIDE: TODAY is the HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

BRIDESMAID #1: My feet hurt. But boy, Amy sure looks happy.

BRIDESMAID #2: This veil itches. But boy, Amy sure looks happy. Is that guy over there the groom's brother? Why didn't Amy tell me Paul had a cute brother?

BRIDE: My bridesmaids are beautiful. I am beautiful. Paul has spinach in his teeth, but I don't care. This is the happiest day of my life.

B#1: How come I had to wear gloves? And is that guy Paul's brother? He looks like Paul. Somebody should tell Paul he has spinach in his teeth. At MY wedding we won't have creamed spinach.

B#2: I wonder, would accidentally-on-purpose dropping this bouquet in front of Paul's brother be obvious, or "meeting cute"?

BRIDE: Only a hundred more pictures to go, then I can eat. For the first time in three months. Then there will be CAKE! This is the happiest day of my life.

"What's the Story" week, part 2

Today's story comes to us courtesy of Out of the Ashes and this pattern:




Two editors from Mademoiselle have trapped a hapless, unknowing reader in a block of clear lucite, where they will subject her to countless literary and sartorial experiments (until the demise of the magazine in 2001).

You can tell the woman in beige is a senior editor because her eyes are completely dead. (Also because, look, beige!) The woman in red is a market editor. Also, the editor in beige is on the verge of tearing a button off her jacket and hurling it at the poor trapped reader. Just because she can.

"What's the Story?" week, part 1

So all this week I think I'll be posting pattern images that evoke (at least for me) elaborate and possibly impossible backstories. This one is from Your Pattern Shop -- check it out:




Is it just me, or is Anjelica Huston about THIS CLOSE from punching out Joan Crawford in this picture? Or maybe she's hiding a gun behind her back? I think they are rivals in the same nail salon (thus the smocks), fighting for the affections of the head masseuse, Sven, who isn't away at the front because he's 4F. (Yes, I know that AH and JC aren't really contemporaries, but this is the World of Pattern Envelopes, where anything goes.)

Later, it turns out that Sven is NOT 4F, but a German spy! JC and AH band together to expose his perfidy (he was hypnotizing his subjects during massages to extract secrets VITAL TO THE WAR EFFORT) and they each get a medal.

They don't wear these dresses to the medal ceremony, just so we're clear.

What do you think is going on in this illustration?