Secret Lives of Pants, #1

I thought that I was destined for higher things. Really, looking back on it now, I don't know why I thought that, but I did. I'm not even sure what I meant by "higher things," even. A hat? That would have been higher.

I know I didn't expect to never fit. I mean, I never fit ANYBODY. I must have been passed on to ten women, maybe twelve ... and nobody was happy. I was too baggy in the thighs on one; too loose in the waist on another; indistinguishable from a sausage casing on the third. Too short, too long, too liable to ride up in embarrassing ways: if I could be uncomfortable, I was. It's not that I meant to; I really didn't. It's just what I was.

The worst part, though, was what they called me. Did you know that there are people in this world who use the word "pants" to mean something is ludicrously terrible? "That film was utter pants." "Slacks" is also just plain awful. Why "slacks"? Why not "sharps"? "I think I'll put on a pair of slacks." You might as well say "I think I'll go shoot myself in the foot." Pantaloons? Loony. Knickers? What a horse does. Britches? "You betchure." Breeches? Once more into the breeches, my friends. Trousers? You've got to be kidding me. TROOOOOOW-zers. Just say it a few times, you'll see. I prefer "nether garment" myself, but, of course, nobody asked me. Hardly anyone even tried me on more than once, so we didn't get to the "what should I call you" stage.

I haven't given up hope, though. Somebody picked me up in a thrift store (I have sunk so low, I admit it) the other day. When she stopped laughing, she held me up to her friend. "I think I can do something with this," she said.

"What, violate non-proliferation agreements?" (Her friend was holding a chartreuse batwing sweater, so I don't know where she found room to talk.)

"No -- what if I did that jeans-to-skirt thing?"

Her friend stopped, considering. "Well, that COULD be cute ... and if not, there's always turning it into a tote bag. Your mom would love it."

So that's what I'm waiting for now. To be a tote bag. Or maybe (oh please!) a skirt. Being a skirt wouldn't be completely pants, would it?

Ten Reasons Skirts are Better Than Pants

[*for UK readers, please substitute "trousers" for "pants" throughout. Or just giggle, I don't care.]

1. Drawing your pants legs back from someone in disgust as you pass them is insufficiently scornful.

2. Studies have shown that wearing skirts is 90% effective in preventing VPL (visible panty line).

3. Ditto for "plumber's butt," "whale tail," and "camel toe."

4. Ruffles on a skirt can be over-the-top glamorous. Ruffles on pants are only acceptable if your name is Mary, and a little lamb follows you everywhere you go.

5. It is impossible to smuggle someone in -- or out -- of prison, a masked ball, a hotel room, etc. by hiding them under your pants. (Plus, there is no such thing as "hooppants."

6. When you strap a gun to your thigh in pants, you lose the element of surprise.

7. You don't have to have skirts hemmed differently for flats or heels.

8. Twirling in a pair of pants results in 87% less happiness.

9. The word "skirt" has both a singular and a plural form, usable by all ("I am wearing a skirt today." "Instantly Mrs. Bagnet put some pins into her mouth, and began pinning up her skirts all round, a little higher than the level of her grey cloak.") The word "pants" has a singular than can only be used by fashion-industry people ("Designers are showing a high-waisted, wide-legged pant for fall").

10. Skirt blowing up, revealing underthings? Sexy. Pants falling down, revealing underthings? Humiliating.

[Pattern from MOMSPatterns.]