Rant: I See London, I See France

So a couple weeks ago I went roller-skating, on the spur of the moment, in [location redacted]. I went straight from work, so (as is my wont) I was wearing a full skirt and a cardigan sweater.

I get my skates (rentals, and they carved up my ankles something tragic, I'm still sporting band-aids), lace 'em up, and am about to hit the floor, when this Creepy Guy intercepts me.

"I am so sorry for coming up to you like this," said Creepy Guy, and for a minute I thought he meant "on Rollerblades," because, as you all know, I am an old-school quad-skate SNOB, but no -- he continued -- "I just had to say how BRAVE you are. I've never seen anyone skate in a skirt!"

I was, of course, gobsmacked (as I always am when people are bogglesomely rude and/or clueless), but all I could think of to say was "What do you think people did before 1955?" and fix him with my best Withering Look before I skated away.

But the whole thing really cheesed me off. (Obviously, or I would have titled this post "Musings:" or "Prolegomena:")

First of all, skating in a skirt is not "brave". Rescuing children from burning buildings is brave; wearing a skirt is ... wearing a skirt.

So Creepy Guy (who was also wearing one of those arm holders for his iPod, which ALSO pissed me off, because if you are skating at a rink you should do the DJ the courtesy of listening to what he's spinning, even if he IS making Slurpees at the snack bar at the same time) was calling me brave because -- as far as I could tell -- there was a chance I might FALL and THUS: someone might, possibly, theoretically SEE MY UNDERWEAR.

OH NOES!

C'mon, people, are we all six years old?

Let us first admit that all of us know that most people wear underwear. We know this because when people do NOT wear underwear, it is a cause for comment. There are slang terms ("Going commando," etc.) for not wearing underwear; I have not heard any for wearing underwear. Thus not wearing underwear is the marked case.

Let us next admit that most people wear underwear that is, at minimum, the same coverage as a relatively modest bathing suit. How do we know this? A quick investigation of any mass-market store (e.g. Target) shows that the ratio of "bikini," "hipster," or "brief" styles of women's underwear stocked is roughly double the amount of thong underwear stocked (by number, not volume, obviously). Retailers stock items in proportion to their sales.

Given this knowledge, and the knowledge that thong underwear's most typical use case is to avoid a visible panty line, added to the evidence of a FULL SKIRT (= no panty line) we can posit that most people wearing full skirts are most likely not wearing thong underwear. (They may not be wearing granny panties, but they are probably wearing something that could be categorized as "great-aunt panties.")

We also know that these things exist: boy shorts, bike shorts, "shapers" etc., etc. So there are many more types of underwear that do not allow for indecent exposure than there are those that DO.

NOT TO MENTION (as I mention it) that a SIGNIFICANT portion of the women skating in jeans were displaying a "whale tail," which is (as I'm sure you know) the phenomenon where a large portion of the back and sides of a pair of thong underwear is visible above the back waistband of a pair of pants (usually low-riding jeans). And more than a few of the male patrons had visible boxer-shorts waistbands displayed above the waistbands of their pants.

So the ratio of underwear (not counting visible bra straps) displayed by pants-wearing patrons to the underwear displayed by skirt-wearing patrons was something on the order of, oh, I dunno, INFINITE. (I would make a Riemann sphere joke here if I knew anything about the Riemann sphere.)

Given all this, then, could we please lay off the "OMG!!!! Someone might SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!" hand-wringing directed at us skirt- and dress-wearers? I know it's too much to ask the Creepy Guys of the world to cut it out (because if they were self-aware enough to know not to say stuff like this they would not, in fact, be creepy), but, seriously, people. We can wear skirts and dresses and participate in all sorts of normal activities, such as climbing up stepladders, crawling under desks to swap cables, riding bicycles, carrying boxes (up to 70 lbs), and, yes, even go roller-skating.

(I think this was a different rant than the one commenters on yesterday's post were expecting ... sorry about that. I promise to rant about actual makes and models of underwear in some future post.)

Comments

[Jenna]

See... this is why I own underwear that has written across the seat "What? At least I'm wearing them!" and "Quit Staring, Your Face Will Freeze!"

[Anonymous]

No need to rant. He was hitting on you. Take the compliment, smile, and move on. You've still got it. :)

[Lisa @ the Vintage Fashion Library]

Hitting on you yes. Creepy, yes. Immature, definitely yes.I once had a lady tell me I was brave. In the grocery store. Because I had taken four kids with me. She said that she had four kids, and never grocery shopped with more than two. Well, lady, when your cupboards are bare, you do what it takes.Weird, what some people consider brave, and I just consider life showing up.

[Anonymous]

I think it's just people misusing language again. So many words have lost their true meaning. "Brave" is a good example. (How about "awesome," "disinterested," "anxious," "incredible" ...)

[Cel Petro]

Not to mention how brave you are for blogging about underwear!One of the things I lusted for when I was ten was a skating skirt so I could glide into the snack bar at the roller rink and the cool satin lining of the skirt would flip up. I should have lusted for skating lessons for a graceful stop just short of the bar, rather than the graceless hands forward break-the- momentum (somewhat--it still caught me in the ribs)stop of a once in a while rink goer. Lordy we did miss you, but with the artist's rendering and links to the conference and underwear rant all is forgiven.

[Ladygrande (Texas Marie)]

I remember when we skated in skirts, roller-skated in skirts, rode bicycles in skirts -- pants were not a thing girls wore, unless they were fishing of course.

[Ladygrande (Texas Marie)]

Follow up to previous comment: Of course we wore "panties" - and they were of the "granny" variety (as my children tell me now). I should have said "slacks" instead of pants.

[frockstar]

How did we come to believe skirts are a hindrance to all normal human activity? I actually prefer to hike in an ankle-length Edwardian walking skirt. It offers protection from brambles, extra warmth, convenient shelter in case I'm caught short miles from a bathroom and a romance and elegance no quick-dry pants can confer. More athletic activities in skirts please!

[Theresa]

During the dark ages wehn the first allowed womenin the Army (although segregated fromt he men) they did everything in skirts. The did their physical training in skirts. If you can fight and win WWII in a skirt, you cna do anything in a skirt.

[Emily]

Different rant from what I was expecting... but also more interesting.

[Alicia]

Senior year of HS I got sick of trying to find flattering pants and went for an all-skirt wardrobe. I was also head drama tech at my school and the only one certified to do most of the stuff including catwalk crawling. I painted 12' high flats, hung lights, and climbed up ladders in a skirt. My only rule was that our own personal Creepy Guy was NOT allowed to climb the ladder behind me. No matter how modest I was he'd make a comment and his face was far too close to my foot for it to be safe for him.

[Adrienne]

Perhaps sticking to modest dresses and fabric is best - creepy guys don;t need any more publicity than their photos on the post office wall.

[marceline]

Hehe, this reminds me of my student days when friends would ask HOW ON EARTH I managed to wear short a-line skirts without the possibility of showing off my underwear. The phrase OH NOES was indeed invented for these situations. Is there some connection between skirt wearing and sarcasm btw? I think we are forced into it.Also, I want to go roller skating.

[Woodard Family]

Very interesting rant. I've read your blog for a while but this is the first time to comment. I've wore a skirt or dress all my life (I'm 36)except maybe when I wore a pair of coveralls in the winter. Needless to say everything I've done has been in a skirt. I haven't tried skiing yet but a friend did and a lot of people made comments about it being a dumb thing. Although she could ski better then most of the people on the hill.

[Kelly]

Hilarious! I love your writing as much as I love your dresses.

[Cathy]

I love it when you get analytical ;)

[Veiled Glory]

Back when we were courting [husband and I are of a conservative religious group], he hadn't seen much of my legs because I wore long skirts or rarely jeans, never shorts. One evening I had been cuddled up under a blanket on the couch and decided to stand up. As I flicked back the covers and swung my legs around, my skirt flipped up to reveal...my knees! I had on knee high socks and bloomers which precisely showed just my knee caps. Hubby had turned around exactly at that moment, exclaimed, "KNEES!" We still giggle about it. I learned he had a thing for knees. ;-)

[becky f.]

Thanks for the rant! This reminds me of my indignation on finding, recently, that my cousin's Tiger Cruise (on board her Navy brother's ship for a week-long trip from Hawaii to port in Seattle) didn't allow its visitors to wear skirts, for safety reasons. That baffled me, as a generally safe skirt-wearer, but also because the Navy dress uniforms for women are... skirts.

[kim p.]

Context is everything, of course, but maybe he was just thinking that it might be extra cold if you fell and bare skin touched cold ice.Even so, he could have kept that thought to himself, now couldn't he?

[--]

thanks for the great chuckle today... you "Brave skirt wearing rollerskater, you!" HAHA!!!

[The Leithead Family]

So funny that your post followed Angry Chicken's post: http://angrychicken.typepad.com/angry_chicken/2008/10/i-see-london-i.html

[Peanut]

Bravo!

[the_lazymilliner]

To think in the "old" days they'd be more concerned about whether or not you were wearing a slip.....

[flea]

On the little girl front, I'll note that the majority of skirts available for purchase have (usually knit) shorts built in, underneath the skirt. My 4 year old daughter's public school required that shorts be worn under all skirts and dresses, which may explain the retailers' choices in this regard.

[Lydia]

This is one of your best posts ever, Erin. I have total ::love:: for it.Also, Theresa's comment: "If you can fight and win WWII in a skirt, you can do anything in a skirt" for the win.