I thought you should know

I've decided that, from now on, I'm not going to pay any attention to any statements that begin with the following phrases:

"I thought you should know,"

"No offense, but,"

My highly unscientific study of these phrases has led me to believe that they are only used when the speaker wants to convey something unpleasant to the listener. And not something unpleasant and urgent, in the sense of "Your hair's on fire!" but something unpleasant in the sense of "I want to tell you something insulting, yet I do not wish you to feel directly insulted."

What I want to know is, has anyone, in the history of these conversational openers, ever replied like this?

Speaker A: "I thought you should know -- that dress makes you look fat."
Speaker B: "Oh, how kind of you to tell me! I forgot that it was my sacred duty to look thin. I'll run right home and change. Can you come with me, just in case I pick the wrong thing again? Also, how's this color on me?"

Speaker A: "No offense, but you're too old for that style."
Speaker B: "I thought I hadn't slapped on enough Youth Instigator this morning -- say, you wouldn't have a tube on you, would you?"

I've often wondered about the motives of people who say these things. Do they really, truly, believe they're doing their listeners a favor? And do they respond rationally when people do it to them?

Speaker A: "I thought you should know, that color makes you look sallow."
Speaker B: "Oh, thank you! I'm so glad you told me. But you should let me return the favor -- those earrings are a touch gaudy. I'm sure you'd be happier and less ... conspicuous in little studs."
Speaker A: "You are so right! I never thought of that before."

No? You don't think that happens? You think that the Speaker A's of this world only feel better when they are able to make other people feel worse? (Especially when they can do so, Anonymously, on the Internets?) Huh, what sad and lonely lives those Speaker A's must lead.

If for no other reason (say, basic human decency) you should be kind because unkindness doesn't work. In fact, it's often highly counterproductive, if your stated goal is to "improve" other people. It would be one thing if offhand "No offense, but you look fat," comments from strangers actually caused people to lose weight (if they wanted to), but, alas, they don't. Never have. Would you change your behavior, whatever it was, based on anonymous comments online? No? Why, then, do you think that YOUR anonymous comment is going to change the world?

If you really wanted to "do someone a favor," you'd do it under your own name, so that you could take the credit. Heck, you'd send me a private email and ask me to pass it along, so a conversation, a real discussion, could take place. That's what you do when you want to help. When you want to hurt, when you want to feel momentarily better about yourself at another's expense, you leave an anonymous comment.

I'm not going to make the comments on this blog real-name only. But I would like to remind people of a few things:

-- You can comment, by name or anonymously, all you like to tell me that anything I've done is crap, pure crap, highly-crappy crap fashioned lovingly from raw crap, and that you don't know how I live with myself. I understand that running a blog is the equivalent of hanging a sign that says "Criticize here."

-- BUT, I would like you to treat the guests of this blog with kindness. Remember the Golden Rule? Please follow it.

(And if you say "But I'd WANT someone to tell me if something made me look bad," you should think really hard about whether or not that's true. How did you feel the last time someone told you something was unflattering? Did you act on it? Or did you come up with a reason to ignore their "advice"? Do fee free to send me a picture of yourself so that I can find someone to perform this service for you, if you want it so badly.)

One last thing: aesthetics are highly variable. What you consider the dernier cri is probably not that of the person next to you. So why would you act as if your vision was the only true one?

[Today's pattern is from LanetzLiving, who is offering a SPECIAL EXTRA DISCOUNT to us ... put "turkey20" in the discount box and get a 20% discount on all patterns from her site. They'll ship next Monday after the holiday. Oh, and the woman in the red jacket is telling the woman in the white jacket that busy florals don't suit her. The woman in the white jacket is pretending the woman in the red jacket doesn't exist.]

Comments

[IMassardo]

Wonderful post, thank you!

[Anonymous]

Was thinking the same thing when I was reading through the comments of yesterday. Sheesh.

[Monkeygrrl]

I find that people who offer unsolicited advice rarely if ever receive criticism well. My solution is to think to myself, "I am glad that I am not married to that person." Today, I am a 45-year-old woman wearing flower-embroidered cowboy boots - and if someone has a problem with that, I choose to believe it's really a problem they have with themselves.

[miss twist]

The other "I'm going to insult you but don't be insulted" phrase is "with all due respect."Hate that one! Just tell my what you want to say directly or don't.

[Isabelle]

Great post!

[Diane]

Love the red suit! I can look past the snooty woman wearing it. I can still hear my mother's words "If you can't say something nice about someone, say nothing at all."It may be corny but at least it's kind and in this world we certainly need more kindness.

[Anonymous]

Some of what I read yesterday was something no one in their right mind would say in person to the object of their critiques. I know these kind of hurtful comments are a problem over at The Sartorialist too.

[Anonymous]

Gee, one would think that if you spend the time to read a blog about vintage dresses, you really like vintage dresses. Those people out there that like to leave nasty comments for Erin have too much time on their hands to feel sorry for themselves. Volunteer! It will help cure that desire to be mean to others and get a grip!

[The Momma Chronicles]

Amen, Erin!While reading yesterdays comments, my beloved step-mama's advice kept coming back to me: "You don't have to say everything that comes into your head." And there's the classic, "If you don't have anything nice to say..." etc. etc.

[kim p.]

As I read today's post, I was going to write, "what happened, Erin, to prompt this post?" but having just read yesterday's comments, now I know. Shame on you, anonymous commenters!

[Zoltar Panaflex]

Terrific and spot-on post, Erin.I've long long had a large problem with wussy anonymous comments, if you really want to be taken seriously, use your own damn name!As for the Marcia Brady dress - MAN that brings back memories. My sister was a Marcia-Marcia-Marcia wanna-be and that dress looked exactly like one she had! I love it with the boots! Gives it quite a kick!I used to work in a cube-farm like that, at a law firm here in Seattle and we had some very creative outfits there, I miss that spirit!

[Sue]

the momma chronicles, I have to say, I've heard the "If you don't have anything nice to say..." adage from whence I could make sounds, but I really like the scathing but saccharine modernity of "You don't have to say everything [your brain craps out]." Right on for the plethora of options for cracking that whip with a smile when deserved and needed! I'll be using that one soon!

[Barbara Prime]

Well stated! Life is so much better when people are kind. Why is being nice so underrated?

[Andrea]

Well said! I have pretty much stopped blogging due to rude comments. We tend to forget that there are real people, with real feelings behind those pics, comments, posts, ect.

[Leizel]

No offense, but those posts made the anon posters look petty and mean.I think it takes a lot of courage to send in a pic of oneself, especially to display something that you've made yourself. It's awful that that kind of courage should be punished.While the Marcia dress is not my style (I tend toward the 40s and 50s suits and "playclothes") I thought it was adorable, and suited her quite well. Congrats on a job well done, Andrea!

[Anonymous]

Another cop-out phrase, down here in Texas, is "Bless her heart!" "That hat looks like she made it out of a fresh squirrel skin -- bless her heart!"While agreeing with EVERYTHING that's being said about the unnecessary cattiness of some commentators, I'll defend the anonymous comment. I have a name that's very unique and googleable. And when the internet was young and I was stupid, I posted a lot of comments on various discussion boards, just for fun. At the time, they weren't searchable. Now, however, they are. So googling my name pulls up all sorts of goofy comments on goofy websites, that are just goofy enough that I wish that prospective employers who are checking me out wouldn't see them.So now, even when I'm commenting on a cool, cool, cool website like this one, I'd rather be anonymous than have this added to my long list of google hits.So, to summarize: Cattiness bad. Anonymity good (sometimes). :-)

[Jonquil]

"I probably shouldn't say this, but..."No, dear. You probably shouldn't.Friends of mine and I were ragging on dear David Tennant, who has disastrous taste in clothing and was last seen in public wearing a velvet jacket two sizes too small, when another friend said a very wise thing. "You just know he looked in a mirror, said 'Damn, I look fabulous!'", and walked out the door. Good point. Worth remembering.

[Anonymous]

(I have to be anonymous because I'm not a blogger or even an other.) Stewarts Fabrics?!? OMG, does that bring back memories of my childhood. My mother shopped there a lot and one of our neighbors had a job there. I got great scraps for my doll clothes from her. But I hated having to wait while Mom picked out fabric. Who knew I'd grow up to be a tailor?

[Anonymous]

It was also interesting yesterday that once one person made a rude comment that others joined in. It reminded me of being hazed on the school playground in third grade. I wore polyester doubleknit before it became a punchline and so I don't wear things from that fashion cycle, but I think the dress is darling and very well done. The colors are also flattering to the wearer.Amy

[libby]

Dear Erin,Where ever you are...will you be my best friend?

[Anonymous]

Ok, I will say something here, "I thought you should know, that dress makes you look like you are a refugee from Ethiopia. You really should eat something, you look half starved!"Not that I would say that, I just thought that it should be said sometimes. Look at me, I weigh 179pounds, I am 5'7" tall. I am not skinny by any stretch of the imagination, and my doctor has me down as "Obese" on my records. I am not obese! I just happen to have a little cushion!By the way, I think the dress from yesterday was cute too!Linda (My real name)

[nikki]

I think your dear old "Speaker A" has cornered me more times than I can count.If my dress was accidently tucked into my nylons (remember that scene from designing women?) I do want you to mention it. Otherwise, no......

[tcarole]

My favorite intro is, "Don't take this the wrong way, but..." or, "I'm no expert, but..." Sometimes I get the urge to yell or say something rude. When I am driving and my safety has just been compromised by some other driver's actions and I feel threatened. It's not as if they're even going to hear me. And the person I most harm by doing this is me (and my passengers if I have any.) What I try to do is imagine the offending driver is someone I know. (She looks like my sister Vanessa, or that guy looks like my neighbor Will...) I then see them as more human and, almost immediately, I calm down. Often, I give them a smile and a wave as if to say, "we're both okay and I hold no grudge". I think that passes to them a good feeling which, if they pass on, has the potential of being infinite in its effect. Ramble conclusion... like the Golden Rule, or the Ethical Question ("What would it be like if EVERYONE did what you did?"), putting yourself in another's shoes is a good starting point when you are about to say or do something harmful, be it yelling a curse in your car, or posting mean comments anonymously on a blog. Become the person you are potentially harming for one moment and decide if it's worth it. You can hide behind anonymity, but you can't hide from yourself.

[k.]

We've been having this discussion with our kids, believe it or not. Consequently, Evil Mean Parents have banned the phrase "no offense" from the house. It didn't stick with the youngest until I used a "no offense" on her--a "no offense" of the mildest sort, you understand. But she snapped to pretty quickly.Regarding different aesthetics: my own aesthetics change from outfit to outfit. Every once in a while, I will get the urge to wear a long full skirt though it makes me look like Friar Tuck--and so I do. The following day, I may want to wear tailored trousers that make me look more like Katherine Hepburn. And the following day, I may wear a wrap dress that my husband swears looks like a funereal bathrobe.I figure that unless I tackle you and force you to wear it, too, you shouldn't care that much about the clothes I choose to wear.

[Anonymous]

I just read the comments from yesterday (curiosity, of course) and I have to say, I live for costumes! I love dressing up and wearing clothes that are from different eras, Halloween is my favorite time of year, and I do Eighteenth Century, Civil War, and WWII reenacting with my husband (Hoop skirts are not as easy as you would imagine. Broke my toe two weeks ago at a Ball doing the Virginia Reel...My middle name is Grace!) People who are overly concerned with current fashion or "business attire" make me crazy. Life if for living and what is life without a little fun!?!Linda