You Don't Have to Be Pretty

So the other day, folks in the comments were talking about leggings. I'm pretty agnostic about leggings, but the whole discussion (which centered on the fact that it can be *really* hard to look good in leggings) got me thinking about the pervasive idea that women owe it to onlookers to maintain a certain standard of decorativeness.

Now, this may seem strange from someone who writes about pretty dresses (mostly) every day, but: You Don't Have to Be Pretty. You don't owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don't owe it to your mother, you don't owe it to your children, you don't owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked "female".

I'm not saying that you SHOULDN'T be pretty if you want to. (You don't owe UN-prettiness to feminism, in other words.) Pretty is pleasant, and fun, and satisfying, and makes people smile, often even at you. But in the hierarchy of importance, pretty stands several rungs down from happy, is way below healthy, and if done as a penance, or an obligation, can be so far away from independent that you may have to squint really hard to see it in the haze.

But what does you-don't-have-to-be-pretty mean in practical, everyday terms? It means that you don't have to apologize for wearing things that are held to be "unflattering" or "unfashionable" -- especially if, in fact, they make you happy on some level deeper than just being pretty does. So what if your favorite color isn't a "good" color on you? So what if you are "too fat" (by some arbitrary measure) for a sleeveless top? If you are clean, are covered enough to avoid a citation for public indecency, and have bandaged any open wounds, you can wear any color or style you please, if it makes you happy.

I was going to make a handy prettiness decision tree, but pretty much the end of every branch was a bubble that said "tell complainers to go to hell" so it wasn't much of a tool.

Pretty, it's sad to say, can have a shelf life. It's so tied up with youth that, at some point (if you're lucky), you're going to have to graduate from pretty. Sometimes (as in the case with Diana Vreeland, above, you can go so far past pretty that you end up in stylish, or even striking (or the fashion-y term jolie laide) before you know it. But you won't get there if you think you have to follow all the signs that say "this way to Pretty." You get there by traveling the route you find most interesting. (And to hell with the naysayers who say "But that's not PRETTY"!)

Comments

[Christina]

I love this! Your attitude reminds me of a character in a favourite Margaret Atwood novel. The narrator's mother, who is loving but oblivious to fashion, routinely tells her daughter that she looks beautiful, "as long as my clothes have no visible rents." As I recall, the mum puts together some astonishing outfits for herself, including a tea cozy that she wears as a hat.

[Helen]

You're amazing and I stand in awe. And as a final addition... perhaps a comparison of gorgeous vs pretty vs beautiful? All entirely separate and fabulous qualities/ideals/aims?!

[LL]

This is, without a doubt, the best post I've read on your blog. I love to look at dresses, but I don't wear them because I find the vast majority of them uncomfortable. The fashion industry seems to set up mutually exclusive goals (for me and my body type), I can either look good, or be comfortable, but not both. So no matter what choice I make, I should be punishe - eitehr by the lack of regard of strangers, or by the binding sensation of your my clothes. Pretty is a tyrannical standard to live your entire public life trying to maintain.

[Francesca]

Hooray! Hooray! This is just what I needed to read today!To hell with pretty or unpretty. It's all about how you FEEL.

[vmh]

Very well put.

[Anonymous]

thanks for this. i'm going to save it to read to my daughter if and when i have one.

[andrea]

As a commenter upon the dread horror of leggings, I do take the point. However, it is the current dictates of fashion that visit upon us the dread horror of leggings reaching only to the calf and worn under a dress.For me, the leggings issue is less about being pretty and more about being a fashion victim. Perhaps not an entirely separate issue.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for presenting the oft-overlooked counterpoint: that feminism does not preclude prettiness. Pretty does make me happy, and I'm even willing to suffer a little for it. Still makes me happy. Doesn't mean I'm a slave to fashion, or men. And if, someday, leggings make me happy (I can't imagine, but you never know), I will wear them!

[Erica]

God, I wish you could come to Thanksgiving with my family!

[oracle]

I just love your take on things. What great reading for first thing in the morning!

[Jennifer]

A-MEN! This is so third-wave it makes me smile...

[Rebecca]

Erin, I am your faithful disciple because of your great writing and gorgeous dresses/patterns. But after today's entry I insist upon your allowing me to follow you around opening your doors and dusting off your chair before you sit down. It's the least I can do.

[Robinson]

Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked "female". Amen.

[Deena]

I'm with Rebecca. I'm feeling quite miniony today.Do you watch Project Runway? (I can't imagine that you don't.)When Tim Gunn was examining everyone's collections before they returned to New York, and he looked at Laura's acid olive green dress and said, "I question if it's even pretty." or something to that effect, I howled. NOOOO! That's MY dress! I love it. I want one just like it someday. I may have to be brave enough to dig out the sewing machine and start sewing my own clothes. My tastes are...rather dramatic and not always pretty, but when I'm wearing something I love, I feel fabulous.

[kharma]

Thank you.Being PC-pretty is not everything. There are thousands of millions of people who walk into a shop and ask to purchase exactly what is on the mannequin. What someone else told them was good or pretty. They never made that choice for themselves.Here is to all of the women (and men) who have the backbone and gusto to be who they are unashamedly and unabashedly, regardless of what other people have to say. Kudos to them!

[Cathy]

I second Robinson. I would like "Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked 'female'" on a T-shirt, please, or possibly embroidered on a throw pillow.

[Anonymous]

what - no dress today?

[Anonymous]

I have one word to say along these lines: pantyhose. Maybe two - queen-size. Now there is the other side of pretty.When I see pictures of women all done up - hair, make-up, pantyhose, appropriate church or city wear, manolos - that's when the whole female impersonation thing sends me to the kitchen for a cupcake or a glass of wine. I love the dresses but i'm too fat for most of them and definitely too fat for the accoutrements...Like Ming, I reject the role! If it kills me!Erin, you are a good friend, to yourself and others.

[Anonymous]

Amen Amen Amenthanks from a second wave feminist and fourth generation seamstress and a first generation dyke and a seventh (or so) generation southern belle from AtlantaLOVE YOUR BLOG

[Katie]

A big, huge, bear hug of thanks to you Erin! I second the earlier comment about saving this for the future if/when i have a daughter.

[flea]

I come at this a little backwards, since my basic approach to clothes is "practical" - but I find if/when I do make the effort to be pretty, I can enjoy it! But I've never felt I had to be pretty. Appropriate, sometimes, but I am not a decorative sort of woman, and never have been. I am still learning to enjoy the experience of playing with being decorative.On another note, I have generally found that if you are wearing something you like, you generally *look* pretty. Attitude brings a lot to a look.

[S.]

I agree! Owe yourself. I also think, ll, that being comfortable is looking good.My blog talks about do's & don'ts but not in the traditional sense. I hope my meaning has not been lost. My first always #1 rule is to be comfortable. Don't follow trends just to be trendy. Or do the trends if you want, do them your own way. Do something that's a fashion rule don't! Ignore skirt length trends, wear white shoes after labour day, subvert fashion.

[Kirsten]

Preach it, sister!

[robertajune]

Today's post will be required reading for my granddaughters. Pretty is such a subjective thing, anyway. Case in point: Project Runway's winner Jeffrey's designs. Ugh!

[Anonymous]

Saw a news blurb this morning on Advertising and women's self esteem blah blah blah. A women said a recent poll\study said 98% of women don't feel beautiful. I wanted to cry. From this day forward no one, including myself will make me feel bad about the way I look. I exsist therefore I am BEAUTIFUL.